Bootcamp, Self Esteem, and Body Image

Hey everyone,

Wow, what an incredible 6 weeks!  Bootcamp ended last night and I was filled with SO many emotions.  Last night we did hill runs, walking lunges up hill, and even walking/running backward uphill.  It was hard, probably my hardest workout ever during those 6 weeks.  I pushed myself and groaned and cursed but when the hour was up I felt SO accomplished!  I know many of the girls felt the same.  #FUManhole

Once I got back to my car after we finished training, I was overcome with emotion.  I was so grateful for the women I now call friends and for my Coach, Sandra.  These ladies push each other and cheer each other on, it is so heartwarming.  Thank you for that :)  I also felt so proud of myself (and this is hard to admit because I feel like I am bragging, but I think I need to get over that…), it was a very challenging workout and I paced myself but I never gave up.  I am learning with each passing day that I am strong, mentally and physically.  I can push myself further and harder than I ever thought possible.  I felt like nothing could stop me, I felt like a warrior.

They say that it is your mind that actually stops you from pushing past your comfort zone, not your body.  It is SO true.  My legs were shaking, my knee was tight, and my lungs felt like they might explode; but I was OK.  I could safely push on and give it 100%.  My mind was telling me I should slow down or take a breather, but I knew I was OK.  I guess I am learning to listen to my body, not just my mind. 

Joining Sandra’s bootcamp is easily one of the best decisions I have made on my Health & Fitness Journey.  I have truly learned so much about myself in the last 6 weeks and I am really looking forward to starting up again on June 17^th!  I can’t wait to see what goals we can achieve over the summer!

Now, there is another thing I wanted to talk about.  If you follow me on Facebook you may remember I had a “Light bulb Moment” about loving your body.  This was all sparked by a Kickstarter video shared by Taryn Brumfitt.  She shares her story, which is all too familiar, about not loving her body.  It affects her relationships and social life.  Sound familiar?  It does to me.  She thought she was alone, so she decided to ask 100 women to describe their bodies in one word.  The responses brought tears to my eyes… wobbly, imperfect, stumpy, very average, not nice to look at, gross, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting…  Taryn realized that she had an even bigger issue on her hands.  She had a young daughter and she wondered how she would teach that little girl to love her body, if she didn’t even love her own.  She entered herself into a body building competition and achieved the “perfect body” but quickly realized that the outside is only half of the battle.  Nothing changed about the way she looked at herself or how she felt about her body.  It is just as much a mental change as it is physical.  She decided to start a movement; The Body Image Movement.  Taryn wants women to start loving their bodies just as they are right this very moment.  EveryBODY is beautiful.  It starts from within; you need to learn to love, embrace, and accept your body exactly the way it looks and feels right now.  That’s not to say you can’t improve the exterior by going to the gym or doing yoga etc.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It is all up to you, but just remember that it starts on the inside first.  You can achieve the “perfect” body, but if you haven’t spent the time to love yourself, flaws and all, nothing will change.  You will still find something “wrong” with yourself. 

Her video really got me thinking, but it was the comments section of her video that truly lit a fire within me.  There were so many trolls saying that she was promoting an unhealthy lifestyle by telling “fat people” to love themselves.  It crushed me!  Everyone and everyBODY is deserving of love no matter what size, shape, colour, or gender.  Taryn was not suggesting that everyone throw caution to the wind and stuff their faces without regard for their health.  No matter what the scale says, you are beautiful and you should love your body. 

My journey has never been about reaching a certain number on the scale or a certain dress size.  I just want to be healthy and happy and have the outside match the inside.  I am getting there, one day at a time!  It is very exciting and I am having a lot of fun on this ride.  It is hard but it is so worth it :)  I love my body and I am so thankful for it.  I treat my body with respect now; I eat well, exercise, and have realistic expectations and goals.  This is a lifestyle change for me and I have never been happier!

If you take only one thing from this post, I hope it is this… You are beautiful, just as you are.  You don’t need makeup or Spanx to achieve it.  You are already beautiful.  Take a look at yourself and remove the cruel, judgmental lens.  Embrace the body you have, be grateful for it and love it. 

xoxox
Kayla

Shut Down Fat Talk

Hello everyone!

I don’t always practice everything I preach when it comes to this particular topic, but I think it’s important that I start, TODAY.  I hope that after watching the attached video and reading my post, you will try to do this with me.  A little bit each day makes a difference.

Here is the video:

 

 

So you know how you wake up and immediately decide it’s going to be a “fat day”… where nothing you put on looks good and you think everything makes you look fat?  Then you proceed to talk down to yourself during breakfast, getting ready, the whole drive to the office, and WATCH OUT when you finally get home from work and take those jeans off!

Do you understand how detrimental that is to your health?  Mental and physical.  I’m not saying it’s not okay to have an off day – but I am saying it’s not okay to bully yourself about it.  

OK fine, maybe those jeans are a little tight – rather than bashing yourself about the muffin top make a healthy decision to do something about it.  Are the jeans actually just too small or did you just eat a few extra slices of pumpkin pie over the holidays?  If the jeans are from high school and you just don’t want to let them go – PLEASE DONATE THEM!  You aren’t a teenager anymore.  Buy some jeans that fit and flatter your body, you deserve it!  If the pie is to blame for the tight jeans – take a deep breath and make a plan.  Tell yourself that you are going to make sure you do these three things every day to help get yourself back on track:

1.       Stay hydrated!

2.       Fuel your body with healthy foods and do NOT, I repeat DO NOT withhold food from yourself – that will not help you!

3.       Get as much sleep as you can (7-8 hours if possible!)

If you can add in some exercise too, even better, but don’t punish yourself.  Please.  Just commit to being healthy and getting yourself back on track.  You are allowed to enjoy life and the delicious treats that come along with it ;)

Fat talk is something I don’t quite understand – I mean I do it – but I don’t get it…

Why on earth would we sit here and rip ourselves to shreds?  It doesn’t even sound productive.  You certainly wouldn’t tell another person that they looked really fat and ugly today, would you?  So then why do we feel that it is okay to say it to ourselves? 

If your daughter (sister, cousin, friend etc.) came home and told you that someone told her that she had a disgusting muffin top and she should’ve just stayed home in bed today – would you accept that?  Absolutely not is what I’m thinking…

We need to shut down fat talk. 

We need to start loving ourselves just the way we are.  That isn’t to say that you can’t make improvements (in a healthy capacity of course), but we need to accept that the body we have right now is worth just as much love, adoration, and respect as the body we might be working toward.  Even if you HAVE the body you worked hard for, it is time you start to appreciate it and love it unconditionally.

You are still the same person deep inside (heart, personality, humour etc.) no matter what package it comes in.  Don’t wait until you are “there” to start loving yourself.  Love who you are now!

Take a moment and think of all the young girls in your life - you are a role model to them whether you know it or not.  Every time you talk down to yourself you are teaching them that it is ok.  Kate Winslet recently said in an article that she makes a point of talking about all of the things she loves about her body, in front of her daughter so that it becomes NORMAL to her.  This is what we should all strive for.  Right now the norm is trash talking your own body…  Ugh look at my muffin top, ugh my thighs touch, ugh blah blah blah.

Break the circle - love your body - start speaking words of love and respect to yourself about your body.  For example:  I love the way my bum looks in these jeans!

If you have a sister or daughter (or anyone - boy or girl) in your family, make sure they hear it.  It is important that we show people it is OKAY to be proud of your body!  We have become a world of thinner is better and talking about your muffin top makes you cool in some twisted way.  We need to change that!

Can you imagine how this world would change if we just starting loving ourselves unconditionally and decided we no longer accept the current, unhealthy, definition of beauty?  Oh how things would change!

Anyway, this is starting to get long… I don’t want you to feel like you are reading a novel ;) 

I posted a challenge on Facebook Dec 16^th asking everyone to choose LOVE today – Dec 17^th.  I am now challenging you to Shut Down Fat Talk.  If you start talking or thinking negatively about your body – recognize it and turn that bullying behaviour around and say something nice to yourself about your body.  If you hear someone else bullying themselves about their body, compliment them instead.  I truly believe if we start to practice positivity, we can change the way women all around the world think of their bodies.  So, will you accept my challenge?  I encourage all of you to try :)

Guys, I am not purposely avoiding you – I know men have a lot to deal with too when it comes to body image and what is considered “sexy”.  Please read this with him/he/etc. in place of any her/she etc. mentioned above – this is for you too!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post!

If you enjoyed it and you accept my challenge, please like the post on Facebook so I know!  I will check in with those who “like” the post to see how you’re doing :)

Lots of love,
Kayla

 

 

 



 

Rock Bottom

Hey everyone,

I just got back from Texas a few days ago and that trip really changed my life.  I had a lot of fun - we drove around Houston and the surrounding cities, I finished the last Sookie Stackhouse novel, I swam, and soaked up some sun.  You are probably thinking, "What is so life changing about that?!"... Well, this is how it started...

I don't particularly care for my body shape... I know I need to lose weight and I need to get myself back into a routine of eating well and exercising daily.  I know this, but I didn't think I looked that bad...

Scene A - The Airplane

Airplanes are not comfy for anyone, there is never enough legroom and there is always someone kicking your chair.  But you know what is worse than that?  Feeling uncomfortable in your chair because you don't fit.  It took all of my might not to break down and run out of the plane and down the hallway back to our car and drive home.  I played the scenario over and over in my mind.  I planned my escape.  The next thing I knew, we were landing in Texas.  I wouldn't even enjoy the flight, something I used to love!  Looking at the clouds and the land beneath me used to bring me joy, it was so beautiful.  Now I lost the whole experience because I was so caught up in my plan to get out of there.


Scene B - The Hotel

Of course we had to pick a hotel with the LONGEST walk from the lobby to the pool.  I kid you not, its a 5 minute walk.  I hadn't mapped it out before I went over there the first time, it was the longest walk of my life.  I felt like everyone could see me in a bathing suit, even though I was wearing a cover up dress.  (What do you think is going to happen at the pool, Kayla????)  I told myself, who cares, they will never see you again, and most importantly; you will never see them again.  (Really, that's how you want to live???  Embarrassed about your body and telling yourself that its okay because you will never have to face these people again???)  But it is what kept me going...

Scene C - The Pool

So I finally get to the pool.  I have my book and 5 towels.  One for behind my back, against the lounger.  The second for behind my neck, to use as a pillow, and the rest to cover myself up so nobody can see me in a bathing suit.  (SERIOUSLY???  What's the point?!)  I waited until most people had moved on to another pool, or nobody was around at that moment and I jumped in the pool.  Ahhh, this is my bliss... I LOVE swimming.  I feel so free!  I am swimming laps and then, I stop dead in my tracks and I think OH MY GOD it is Nicole Wilkins... What do I say, how do I even begin?!  I am so excited!  OH MY FREAKING GOD she is picking the lane next to me!  Someone I look up to is right beside me!!!! (Oh damn, its not her... but I swear it looked just like her!!!)  It turns out to be a girl named Lauren, she works in the gym as a trainer.  She and I start talking, we're laughing, having a great time in the pool swimming laps and chatting when we need a break.  Then, all of the sudden I need to pee... but I think to myself, you cant get out of the pool, she isn't going to want to talk to you once she sees what your body ACTUALLY looks like... so you better just hold it.  Well, Lauren was in the pool another hour.  I thought to myself this is ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS!  You cant live your life like this anymore... you need to make a change and you need to make it quick. 

At that moment I said this is enough, Kayla. This is fucking enough...

I felt like the Ugly Duckling...  For the first time in my life, I felt like I was UGLY and BIG.  I don't know if I have just been in severe denile, I always knew I had weight to lose, it upset me a lot, but I still felt like a normal girl.  Perhaps I have just spent too much time being overweight that I have lost sight of the beautiful girl I once felt I was.  I don't remember the last time a guy really looked at me or told me I was beautiful.  Honestly, couldnt tell you.  (Not that you need anyone's approval, but it's just something that is nice to hear, you know?)

On this trip I decided that I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I want to be confident again and not just think I am pretty from the chin up.  I have hit all sorts of "Rock Bottom"... I have had eating disorders, severe depression, and yet it took a trip to Texas to shake me to my core.  I have never felt so awful and ashamed. 

Life is WAY too short to waste any more time like this.  I told my friend Sandra that in the past I had always lost weight for someone else - but this time it has to be for me.  This really made that clear to me.  If there was any doubt that I could do it, was I worth it, was I too far gone... the doubt is gone.  I am tired of feeling "second class" - I need to be healthy - Mind, Body, and Spirit - for ME.

If you are reading this and feeling any of the same things I talked about, please know that you can do it.  You are worth it.  You only get so many trips around the sun, so please start living now.  Don't let fear and shame rule your life; you deserve to be happy.  It might take you a different scenario to realize you need to make a change, but whatever it is, I hope you listen to your heart and I hope you work for the life you deserve.

One of my favourite quotes that kicks me in the ass when I feel lazy is:

 





You have to work for it.  You have to pour your heart and soul into it and you cannot give up.  You can fall, you can puke, you can faint, you can cry, you can scream... but you cannot give up!

 

 



I started this journey once before and got really close to a place where I was happy (er) with my body.  I had lost 50 lbs and I was so proud of myself.  But I let the stresses of life get in the way and BAM I was back at square one.  I know how hard I had to work to get there, and I know that I CAN do it.  I am so tired of starting over; so I am going to stop giving up.  I will not let stress get in the way of my life anymore.  I don't want to feel what I felt at that swimming pool in Texas ever again.  I want to feel beautiful and worthy and never fear that someone wouldn't want to talk to me after they saw my body.  How sad is that?  I made a decision in Texas and I started right then and there.  I got up every morning and had a healthy breakfast and then went to the gym and then swam laps in the beautiful pool outside.

Today I decided to share this with you because when I first started this blog I said I would take you along this journey with me.  The ups, the downs, and everything in between.  I told myself and my readers that if I could help just ONE person, it would be worth the brutal honesty.  I don't sit here typing these personal blogs with ease.  I cry and it hurts and I am terrified that someone is going to read my blog and laugh at me.  Those things are all true.  But my desire to help save another girl from feeling worthless or making unsafe/unhealthy choices like I did, is stronger than my fear.  I share because I want to help.

Thank you for reading,
K



Where I Began and Where I'm Headed!

I guess we have to look at where we started in order to envision where we want to go… So here ‘s where I started…

I kinda talked about where I started... but not really.  Opening up is hard but I believe that if I can help even just ONE person by sharing my experiences, it's worth it.

I was in a relationship that was not the healthiest and when I’m not happy, it shows.  I gained a substantial amount of weight and food was the only thing that comforted me.  It was a vicious circle; I ate because I was sad and I was sad because I was eating.  Then I decided to stop eating.  If eating makes me fat, not eating should make me skinny… right?  WRONG.  I gained more weight!  I was on a fast track to terrible health.  I decided I needed to take care of business so I removed myself from the unhealthy situation and started to deal with things… yes I’m talking about feelings!  It was grueling and I gained more weight because it was easier to turn to food than friends or family.  But eventually my emotions leveled out and I was able to think with a clear head.  This September I started my last year of school at WLU and I HATED how I looked and felt.  I decided to do something about the physical things now…  I went gluten free and sugar free and started working out more.  I was losing weight, inches, and gaining respect for myself!  The saying is cheesy but I really started to believe that my body was a temple and I was much more cautious and aware of what I was putting in it. 

Then came the dreadful exam period… When I am stressed I gain weight – mainly because I forget to eat or I try to live off of fruit alone. 

This is when Sheryl convinced me to make an appointment with Craig and start personal training.  I was beyond terrified to go to that consultation.  It would be the very first time I would have to tell someone how much I weighed.  The number is not grotesque but it is not healthy, nor is it where I want to be.  I couldn’t even say it, I had to write it down.  All Craig said was “OK!”  … I thought for sure there would be a “Wow, really?  Huh you don’t look like you weigh that amount.”,  “Well we have our work cut out for us.”, “This is going to take FOREVER… just so you know.”  But he didn’t say any of those things, he didn’t make any faces, and he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.  I sat there thinking… “I’m really glad I decided to trust him…”

That is the most important part, I think.  You and your trainer need to trust each other and build some kind of relationship.  You need to know that your trainer has your best interest at heart and that you are a team working on this goal, together! 

That is what Craig and I have been doing and I am proud (a little scared but proud nonetheless) to announce that I have officially lost 50 lbs! 

I was able to lose 20 on my own from September to early December before I started with Craig and then I’ve lost 30 lbs with Craig in just 5 short weeks!  It is hard for me to see it sometimes, to be honest.  But the other day I had a major breakthrough and tried on a pair of jeans, just thinking I would see how far I had to go before I could zip them up… and they FIT!  I wore them out shopping that very day.  Nonetheless, I really appreciate when people notice it on me.  Like Dan, for instance, he saw me last week and said “Every time I see you, I see less and less of you!”  That made my WEEK!  I’m not fishing for compliments; I’m just saying that it means a lot when other people see the changes going on!

It feels incredible and I know it’s only going to feel better from here on out!  I’m not entirely sure what I want to weigh exactly, but I know that I want to be healthy, fit, and STRONG!  I don’t think a number means very much.  You could be 120lbs and STRONG or 120lbs and weak: same numbers but totally different body types.  I think I will just know when I get there!  Everyone has a part of their body that they want to focus on, not because it’s a problem area, but because it’s something they like.  For me, that is my back and upper body.  Something about a strong back and upper body just seems attractive to me.  I’ll put it this way… I want to be strong, but I don’t want to scare off or be bigger than a potential boyfriend hahaha!

I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me but I know a few things for sure: I’ll have my bubblemint gum, top secret body spray, lululemon, and AMAZING people along for the ride with me :)

Personal Post: My Changing Body Shape

Today was one of those days where I just wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.  I wasn’t bummed out or anything, but I just wasn’t comfortable in my clothes at all!  In one of my earlier posts I talked about not getting down on yourself when your body changes shape and you can sometimes look worse than before you started; only for a little while.  Well, that is happening to me now!  I am starting to slim down all over my body but I am thinning out a lot from my ribs and up.  This makes my hips look worse!  The thinning out on top has really accentuated my hips and it just looks funny.  Well not funny, more like a big ‘ol spare tire.  I felt uncomfortable during my workout today and was tugging at my shirt all the time; not fun! 

My TShirt dilemma is frustrating, I must admit… I have a bunch of Yoga Tee’s from Joe Fresh and while I like them, they stretch out so much during the course of my workout I end up looking like a drowned rat by the end of it.  They made me feel really uncomfortable!  So I thought I would try something a little bit more fitted, and I like the feel of it while standing.  But as soon as I have to sit or lay down for a leg press I feel all uncomfortable again!  Gravity is not on my side at the moment.  I am on the search for the perfect workout tee to get me through this next part of training until things start to even out again!  I know this is all part of the game and I was expecting it; so it wasn’t a mood crusher or anything, just a pain in my butt!  One way to look at it is to focus on the positives: I’ve lost a lot of “padding” in my upper body and it’s really starting to slim down!  Rather than just focusing on how big my hips look.  It is all in how you look at it… Glass half full or glass half empty!

I think being prepared for these changes has really helped me keep things in perspective.  I can guarantee that if Craig hadn’t told me that I might look worse before I look better, I would be a ball of tears!  So I hope that you really absorb this info and take it from me and my accentuated spare tire LOL that it DOES feel weird and messes with your head a little bit; but your body WILL even out and you will LOVE the results!  It’s like a mini goal (a smaller goal within my BIG goal) and I will have one more thing to celebrate when my hips DO thin out… and they WILL because I am going to give it my all every time I go to the gym and I am going to keep my goals in the forefront of my mind :)

I hope you enjoyed this post and I will talk to you all very soon!

K