Rock Bottom

Hey everyone,

I just got back from Texas a few days ago and that trip really changed my life.  I had a lot of fun - we drove around Houston and the surrounding cities, I finished the last Sookie Stackhouse novel, I swam, and soaked up some sun.  You are probably thinking, "What is so life changing about that?!"... Well, this is how it started...

I don't particularly care for my body shape... I know I need to lose weight and I need to get myself back into a routine of eating well and exercising daily.  I know this, but I didn't think I looked that bad...

Scene A - The Airplane

Airplanes are not comfy for anyone, there is never enough legroom and there is always someone kicking your chair.  But you know what is worse than that?  Feeling uncomfortable in your chair because you don't fit.  It took all of my might not to break down and run out of the plane and down the hallway back to our car and drive home.  I played the scenario over and over in my mind.  I planned my escape.  The next thing I knew, we were landing in Texas.  I wouldn't even enjoy the flight, something I used to love!  Looking at the clouds and the land beneath me used to bring me joy, it was so beautiful.  Now I lost the whole experience because I was so caught up in my plan to get out of there.


Scene B - The Hotel

Of course we had to pick a hotel with the LONGEST walk from the lobby to the pool.  I kid you not, its a 5 minute walk.  I hadn't mapped it out before I went over there the first time, it was the longest walk of my life.  I felt like everyone could see me in a bathing suit, even though I was wearing a cover up dress.  (What do you think is going to happen at the pool, Kayla????)  I told myself, who cares, they will never see you again, and most importantly; you will never see them again.  (Really, that's how you want to live???  Embarrassed about your body and telling yourself that its okay because you will never have to face these people again???)  But it is what kept me going...

Scene C - The Pool

So I finally get to the pool.  I have my book and 5 towels.  One for behind my back, against the lounger.  The second for behind my neck, to use as a pillow, and the rest to cover myself up so nobody can see me in a bathing suit.  (SERIOUSLY???  What's the point?!)  I waited until most people had moved on to another pool, or nobody was around at that moment and I jumped in the pool.  Ahhh, this is my bliss... I LOVE swimming.  I feel so free!  I am swimming laps and then, I stop dead in my tracks and I think OH MY GOD it is Nicole Wilkins... What do I say, how do I even begin?!  I am so excited!  OH MY FREAKING GOD she is picking the lane next to me!  Someone I look up to is right beside me!!!! (Oh damn, its not her... but I swear it looked just like her!!!)  It turns out to be a girl named Lauren, she works in the gym as a trainer.  She and I start talking, we're laughing, having a great time in the pool swimming laps and chatting when we need a break.  Then, all of the sudden I need to pee... but I think to myself, you cant get out of the pool, she isn't going to want to talk to you once she sees what your body ACTUALLY looks like... so you better just hold it.  Well, Lauren was in the pool another hour.  I thought to myself this is ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS!  You cant live your life like this anymore... you need to make a change and you need to make it quick. 

At that moment I said this is enough, Kayla. This is fucking enough...

I felt like the Ugly Duckling...  For the first time in my life, I felt like I was UGLY and BIG.  I don't know if I have just been in severe denile, I always knew I had weight to lose, it upset me a lot, but I still felt like a normal girl.  Perhaps I have just spent too much time being overweight that I have lost sight of the beautiful girl I once felt I was.  I don't remember the last time a guy really looked at me or told me I was beautiful.  Honestly, couldnt tell you.  (Not that you need anyone's approval, but it's just something that is nice to hear, you know?)

On this trip I decided that I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I want to be confident again and not just think I am pretty from the chin up.  I have hit all sorts of "Rock Bottom"... I have had eating disorders, severe depression, and yet it took a trip to Texas to shake me to my core.  I have never felt so awful and ashamed. 

Life is WAY too short to waste any more time like this.  I told my friend Sandra that in the past I had always lost weight for someone else - but this time it has to be for me.  This really made that clear to me.  If there was any doubt that I could do it, was I worth it, was I too far gone... the doubt is gone.  I am tired of feeling "second class" - I need to be healthy - Mind, Body, and Spirit - for ME.

If you are reading this and feeling any of the same things I talked about, please know that you can do it.  You are worth it.  You only get so many trips around the sun, so please start living now.  Don't let fear and shame rule your life; you deserve to be happy.  It might take you a different scenario to realize you need to make a change, but whatever it is, I hope you listen to your heart and I hope you work for the life you deserve.

One of my favourite quotes that kicks me in the ass when I feel lazy is:

 





You have to work for it.  You have to pour your heart and soul into it and you cannot give up.  You can fall, you can puke, you can faint, you can cry, you can scream... but you cannot give up!

 

 



I started this journey once before and got really close to a place where I was happy (er) with my body.  I had lost 50 lbs and I was so proud of myself.  But I let the stresses of life get in the way and BAM I was back at square one.  I know how hard I had to work to get there, and I know that I CAN do it.  I am so tired of starting over; so I am going to stop giving up.  I will not let stress get in the way of my life anymore.  I don't want to feel what I felt at that swimming pool in Texas ever again.  I want to feel beautiful and worthy and never fear that someone wouldn't want to talk to me after they saw my body.  How sad is that?  I made a decision in Texas and I started right then and there.  I got up every morning and had a healthy breakfast and then went to the gym and then swam laps in the beautiful pool outside.

Today I decided to share this with you because when I first started this blog I said I would take you along this journey with me.  The ups, the downs, and everything in between.  I told myself and my readers that if I could help just ONE person, it would be worth the brutal honesty.  I don't sit here typing these personal blogs with ease.  I cry and it hurts and I am terrified that someone is going to read my blog and laugh at me.  Those things are all true.  But my desire to help save another girl from feeling worthless or making unsafe/unhealthy choices like I did, is stronger than my fear.  I share because I want to help.

Thank you for reading,
K



Almond “Breaded” Chicken Fingers

When I was a little kid (and throughout most of my life lol) I have loved chicken fingers.  When I was younger and got to go out for dinner with family (sans mom and dad) I took the opportunity and ran with it; I ordered chicken fingers.  Sadly, those darn things aren’t that good for you and the breading makes my tummy turn.  Darn gluten…  Have no fear, my friends… I have a delicious alternative :)

Almond “Breaded” Chicken Fingers

What you need:

-        Chicken breast (you decide how many you need depending on how many people you are cooking for)

-        All natural almonds

-        Food processor or blender

-        Egg whites (2 eggs worth should be plenty depending on how much you are making)

-        Spices

-        Tongs

-        Flipper

-        Frying pan

-        2 Plates (1 to spread the chopped almonds on and 1 to place the cooked chicken on)

-        Cooling rack (to place cooked chicken on) OPTIONAL

-        Rectangular dish (to hold the egg whites)

-        Oil (you can use EVOO, coconut oil, or whatever you have on your meal plan!)

Instructions:

-        Take your almonds (I used about a cup) and throw them into the blender with whatever spices you like and chop them up!  I used a little bit of chili pepper flakes.  You can decide how fine or chunky you want the pieces of almond to be, but aim for a finer consistency.  Spread it out evenly on the plate.

-        Whisk the egg whites slightly in the dish.

-        Slice your chicken breast into thin slices.  This will help the chicken cook faster!

-        Dip each slice of chicken into the egg white and then over to the almond mixture and then place the “breaded” chicken on to a clean plate.

-        Once you have all of the chicken “breaded” put it in the fridge for about 10-15 minutes so the “breading” can adhere. 

-        While your chicken is sitting in the fridge you can heat up the frying pan.  Make sure to cook this on Low-Med heat as you don’t want to burn the almonds before the chicken has a chance to cook thoroughly.

-        Lightly oil the pan, I like to use a brush so I can spread out the oil evenly and limit the amount I need to use.

-        Once the chicken is ready to cook, space the slices out evenly in the pan and cook 4-5 minutes per side depending on thickness.  I like to leave the sides of the chicken almond free so I can see when the chicken turns colour.

-        Once the chicken is cooked thoroughly use the flipper to remove them from the pan and place them on a cooling rack (or plate).  The cooling rack will allow the chicken to cool on both sides without the bottom getting soggy from the condensation on the plate.

-        Depending on what you are allowed to eat on your meal plan you can use whatever dip you like!  Mustard is great or you can create your own veggie dip by pureeing some of your fave veggies!  A roasted red pepper dip sounds delish, don’t you think?

I hope you enjoyed this post and let me know if you try it!  I will talk to you all very soon!

K

I've Got Friends in Strong Places...

Going to the gym can be a daunting task.  There tends to be a lot of people there and a lot of equipment that you might not know how to use.  It is easy to feel lost or out of place there, but have no fear, there is hope!  World Gym is a fantastic place to work out and I have never felt more comfortable in a gym before!  I ABSOLUTELY started off feeling like I didn’t exactly belong because I had NO CLUE what I was doing.  I’d aimlessly walk around, look at a few machines, wonder what they were for, and then I would try a few out but never really feel like I was doing it RIGHT.  The more I went, the more comfortable I felt.  But it wasn’t until I started personal training that I felt the true community or family-like feeling at the gym.  I’m not saying you need to train to feel part of the team, but it just felt that way for me.  I was there with a purpose and people could tell! 

I think my frame of mind and the vibe I was giving off was much more positive, I wasn’t confused or feeling like I was out of place.  It’s all about how your portray yourself!  If you walk into a room having already decided that this just isn’t going to go your way, it will absolutely turn out that way and everyone is going to feel that negative vibe.  If you walk into the room excited, happy, and ready to rock, you are going to give off a totally different vibe and people are going to see you as approachable and fun!  I highly recommend the 2^nd option :)

I have actually met some wonderful people now that I am training at World Gym.  They are people I know I will keep close to my heart forever.  First person being Sheryl… She works at the gym but also trains there with Craig, the person I train with!  She is incredibly kind and she is the reason I am training with Craig today!  I am indebted to her for life!  She pulls me up when I am down and cheers me on when I succeed.  She is truly an angel!  OK enough of the mushy gushy stuff lol

Next person is Craig, my personal trainer.  He is AMAZING at what he does!  The hour goes by so fast because we talk throughout the entire session (except for when I’m dying and need to focus on breathing lol) and I spend half of that time laughing!  Some personal trainers, doctors, or enthusiasts tend to have strong opinions on certain things or they tell you to do something without explanation, and it is because they have no reason… they just read it in a book somewhere or heard it from another person.  Not the case with Craig.  I ask a LOT of questions and he always has answers… Unless I come up with something totally random and weird… Like my weird feeling in my arm when I laugh LOL!  He could make each workout session totally generic, routine, and very “business” -like but he doesn’t and that is why he is so good at what he does.  You don’t feel like you are going to workout with your trainer, you feel like you are going to workout with a friend!

Mel is another girl that is so kind and she made me feel as comfortable as I could feel after my first workout with Craig when I got sick.  She sat with me until I felt better and comforted me when I was a little scared.  I’m not a fan of throwing up or not knowing what’s going on.  You don’t find people like this every day, and certainly not in any old gym. 

Finally, my newest new friend, is Crystal!  She is such an inspiration and a breath of fresh air!  She introduced herself to me the other day at the gym (she is friends with Sheryl) and we hit it off!  She projects that positive vibe I was telling you about earlier.  You just gravitate toward people like that and they brighten your day.  She also offered to be my cardio workout buddy; I thought that was just so sweet!  Now if I am feeling like cardio is the LAST thing I want to do, I can call her up and say LET’S GO! 

It is so important to build a circle of friends for yourself when going through any kind of transformation.  You need people who you can lean on for support, people who have been where you are and know that the climb is hard, but SO worth it!  It is easier to share your struggles with someone who has struggled with the same things and has succeeded!  I am so grateful to everyone I have mentioned here and I am so excited to meet even more people!  It feels so much better when you can share your successes with a bunch of people who know what it took to reach that point of success!  It also feels even MORE wonderful when you get to cheer those people on.  They are sources of friendship and support; two very important things to have in anyone’s life!

So, I hope you are all healthy and happy and if you are planning on starting up at a gym I highly recommend my gym :) but more importantly, wherever you go, make sure your chin is up and you have a smile on your face! 

I hope you enjoyed this post and I will talk to you all very soon!

~ K